Boundaries are important. There was a time when my boundaries were, lets say, not very solid. I felt locked into behaving a certain way, being a certain somebody to fit a mold that was not achievable because the circumstances around me were always so controlling.
When I look back and realise how long my life was spent in this way I feel very thankful that there was a pivotal point where I was able to stand my ground and find independence away from these people that put me in this situation. It brings you down on every level. It consumes your everything trying to constantly be someone you are not.
There was a lot of determination and willpower to break the chains of these unhealthy relationships. It is one thing to know that it is happening and another altogether to make it stop and believe in yourself enough to find who you really are, to allow the healing to start by making one of the biggest changes feasible .... letting go of what you know and releasing the people that no longer serve you in your life.
Is it possible that when we venture out to make decisions on our own two feet and no longer live under those controlling circumstances that we turn back to what we do know. For me that was the love of my family, more precisely, my children. Finding joy and in hearing them laugh, enjoying a meal I had cooked for them or just being in their company for whatever reason. My children have always been my anchor and my guiding light. It did not matter how mundane the task, if it was with them it was all ok.
Then I was presented with extenuating circumstances, bringing other children into my house. I was wanting beyond anything for everything to be ok for them and to make everything more positive and better. To heal with love and good intentions, I am now not sure how effective that on it's own is. I think my overconfidence in believing I could help and my lack of experience in this situation led me to a place that I was completely unprepared for. I continued in blind faith to do my absolute best, day after day, year after year but I now look back and wonder ... at what cost? I did not know where this journey would set me on a course to. I had no experience here and for all the best intentions I found myself again living under the opinions and control of external relationships that constantly left me feeling drained and at a lost.
Still, I moved forward. The partnership between me and the children I bought into my life and committed to has continued and I try to find balance as best I can. As with all situations in life that challenge us to the core, we learn, we grow and we look for the wisdom that will lead us to where we need to be and what we need to do. I have battled with the head versus the heart and what to listen to and I believe with all I am and anticipate for that something wonderful to come from all this. I have complete faith that all the challenges from the past and in my present are taking me somewhere special.
I have learnt to question everything, to listen to my heart and to take notice of my initial gut reaction. I look for mentors to help me along my way, people who are supportive and giving in equal amounts to what I support and give. This is a journey, I am growing stronger and I do look forward in anticipation to the change that is coming ... I can feel it, sense it. I KNOW that blessings are on their way!