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No Detail is too Small

Have you ever kept a journal? What about simply keeping notes of how you feel and what you notice. I am not talking about an appreciation journal or anything rigid that requires too much time or effort but rather just noting down how you feel and think at that particular point of time.

I am a big believer in noting the details, the finer aspects of the day, of the way you feel and think. It has been a huge benefit as I look back over the years and realise just how far I have come. It is true that we forget the struggles, the details of what once was. As life takes a turn for the better we are often just rolling with it and keep hoping that things continue to move in the right direction.

What if for a moment you could transport yourself and be an observer of where your life was in the most difficult trials you experienced? Would you still relate? Would you just be so glad that you don't have to do that anymore? Or maybe you have spent some time simply blocking it out and have a desire to not revisit or think about it at all. This may ultimately be the case but in all honesty it does not help you realise how far you have come on this journey. It does not help you clear what has held you back so that you can then move forward in life.

I am going to share part of some posts from 2013, it was summer and I would often find solitude and peace at the local beach:

Exhaustion. I hate the exhaustion, the fatigue. I feel like I want to abuse my body, punish it for making me feel this way. It makes no sense but it's how it is.

Or another part post:

Troubled times... OMG- my life just doesn't get better, I'm losing my focus, I'm losing my fight. Why are there always so many challenges, at what point do things just get easier?

I can't walk fast enough or run fast enough to get it out of my head. Argh

Or another one:

I feel like I am a rabbit in a trap, I feel beyond words, beyond actions. I can't run far enough to release my frustration. I don't want to cry. I don't know what the answer is.

It is these posts and so many others like this, written just to get it out of my head at the time but that really highlight now how much strength it took to make what I was dealing with a brutal reality. What was truly going on, was it external influences, internal emotional influences or was it perhaps something else. Was it in my control to change, was it possible that if bit by bit I changed something, ANYTHING, that slowly life would come back to a place where living was a joy. Did I even KNOW at that time what that felt like?? I do know that all I innately wanted and desired was to be well, to function, to smile honestly not just to others but with myself. This is where going back to basics happened...nutrition, thought processes, changes in lifestyle. This was by no means easy but I knew beyond anything that my sanity was at stake so ultimately if I had to completely turn life upside-down to then bring it back to being good then that is ultimately what I would do.

I sent a silent yet magical prayer to the Universe. I then put complete faith in the fact that it was heard and acted and talked as if what I asked for was heard. I did not honestly know at that time whether it had been or not but I responded openly to ideas to follow roads that were left of centre to what I had always done and diligently left myself open and vulnerable in the complete belief that nothing I had done to date was beneficial to me. I asked to be shown in brutal honesty my flaws on all levels, to have help to resolve and heal from the wounds that living, that the decisions I had made and lifestyle I led would heal and that all that was robbed from me would be returned.

Looking back I am not even sure if at that time I was fully aware of exactly how much I was not functioning and living on any real level. The daily exhaustion of just being present was overwhelming. I also honestly do not think that I would remember the details and be able to work forward from this point if it were not for the fact that I randomly wrote to just tell someone, or something ... or more just to get that feeling out of my head, my thought processes.

Lets fast forward. Looking more recently at my journey and still documenting spasmodically the details. I marvel at the wants, the needs, the realisations and the information that comes forth. When I think that this action or that change of thought process has made no difference I take a moment to read back. I see clearly how far I have progressed. We are all only human, we all have our struggles but you can be honest with your words as your write, notice the DETAILS of your life. You do not have to share it with anyone but yourself but I promise you looking back, it creates understanding and clarity (good or bad) on exactly where you are now and exactly how you got there.

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