Have you ever stopped to consider that chronic illness is not always a curse. Now I can just hear the uproar from you all out there but just think for a moment. If you didn't experience illness in a form of any way then would you be forced into really knowing and understanding who you are? Would you take that journey inward to learn and find the true meaning of life?
I am not insinuating that those of you who have not experienced illness have not done this, definitely not. There are all sorts of situations in life that send us spinning into the unknown and leave us floundering for a different way to do things, a new perspective on life and how we fit into it. I guess I refer to illness because that is where I have been and that was one of my biggest and most humbling experiences. The learning curve of all I knew and experienced and understood did a complete 180 sending my whole world as I knew it into a spin. At the time I had little understanding or faith in what was happening or why and for the following years I just floundered, constantly trying to keep up with no comprehension of reasoning behind it. It was a very confusing time ... and that mindset of who I was and what I had always been able to do and achieve was so fresh in my mind that it was like a roadblock to seeing what was happening and how to get on top of it.
I was really challenged as I focused harder than I normally would on maintaining a level of perfectionism. This seemed to be my fallback on what I could do among everything else that I was no longer able to achieve. It was severely frustrating and that normality that no longer existed within me was replaced by this over extended need for cleanliness and perfectionism around me. The house always spotless and me telling myself that if I didn't do it I was being lazy ... I was so hard on myself! It was totally all my thoughts though, they were not coming from anyone else.
I guess as years went by I learnt to slow down, I really didn't have a choice as the symptoms I experienced got worse and worse. I am not sure even then that I truly stopped to listen to what was going on in my body. I just had this idea that I had to keep pushing through, that it would be fine and just to deal with it. I keep asking myself now .. why was I so cruel to myself? What was the deep seated imprinting that would not let me just rest and be kind to me. How is it that nothing made sense and yet life continued to exist around me. I was so lost as to my purpose and being in this world.
I think this went on for years, the illness continued to spiral and I guess there was a part of me that eventually did give in and stop fighting so hard. I don't even know when the change happened but there must have been Angels trying real hard at that point to help me realise and to open my eyes properly to see what was really going on. I was ready by that time I guess to start listening and instead of push push push all day everyday I started to take planned breaks. Lol, I probably in all fairness didn't have much of a choice, lets be honest, when you are actually unable to stay awake on your feet you need to lay down. But credit where credit is due and I did learn to do that and work with it to be able to make it through my day. I stopped putting pressure on myself to have the house completely spotless. It just sort of started happening and then became lifestyle.
We have talked about that acceptance in previous blogs and how it makes everything easier. It really does and in the process of that I learnt to listen to my inner voice and to what it was that I needed. I started reaching into my sub-conscious to see and understand the bigger purpose of it all. To be honest at that point, I still couldn't see it. But I did meditate regularly. I have no doubt that it is that turning inward to recognize and understand who we are and find our higher consciousness that eventually gave me the courage to make that phone call that changed my life. Where I discovered energy healing. There I learnt about really letting go of emotional baggage and that for most of us, it is not just from this lifetime but instead spans many lifetimes imprinting our soul and leaving us almost as puppets in some play where we cannot remember the story line.
I listened and hung off literally every word I was told, on some level it resonated and made more sense to me than anything else ever had. It was crazy but it just fit. I ran with this finding my spark and lust for something in longer than I can remember. The more I learnt and in turn released the more well I became. I healed on all levels, body, mind and soul. The healing is never ending though, I am always striving to recognize and release the destructive behaviors and emotions, let go of ego and find peace in who I am and the choices I have made. I look to be my authentic self with everyone now and that in itself brings healing and comfort on so many levels.
I recommend to everyone, find who you are. Find that place you can turn inward and listen to what it is you truly need on a soul level. You can't find the healing that comes from that in the outside world or with anybody else. It has to start with you. Look on your journey as a learning experience and try to reflect to see the positive that has come from it. No matter what the situation there is a yin and yang to everything, it is the balance of the Universe and can be no other way.